I have grown into a cynical Grinch when it comes to Christmas. Throwing myself on the floor and rolling myself out of my room at 4am to look at presents has been replaced by sleeping until 11am on Christmas morning. The opening of gifts that once lead to big smiles and great fantasies has been reduced to a polite thank you and shoulder shrug. This transformation was not a conscious decision on my part but rather another humbling side effect of growing up. When we were young we could go to the local mall sit on the lap of Santa and ask for the world. The sky was the limit you could ask for dogs, brothers, sisters super powers and a vast array of toys. While most of those things never arrived on Christmas morning, there was always that sense of hope when you went to bed on Christmas Eve that everything you ever wanted would be under that tree. As we grow older and gain common sense we are forced to deal with the harsh reality that Santa is nothing more then our parents.
This puts a whole new spin on Christmas that I've never been able to get over. Parents have budgets and limits and credit card bills. Your lists no longer consist of dreams and fantasies but practical gifts and hand picked items. I still get gifts from Santa far into my 20s and I love my parents for that but the knowledge that their are no cars, houses, jobs or walking ability coming on Christmas morning has forever changed Christmas for me. Even as a kid I knew those things were probably not coming but there was at least the idea and the tiniest bit of hope that magical things did exist in the world and a determined old man could circle the world in a sleigh. Now I can't be bother to wake up for a collection of sweaters, gift cards and flash in the pan electronics. I certainly can't sing the terrible songs and watch the some collection of specials.
As adults Christmas becomes much more about gift giving. This creates a whole new set of problems as I am quite terrible at giving gifts. I just don't see the point of giving someone something of a token variety which is all I can really afford. I wish I could buy my parents retirement and great vacations, my siblings happiness and my friends the highest level of prosperity. Instead they get a slew of retail gift cards and gag gifts and I feel like a bigger loser then I did the year before.
I can't wait for some young kids to come into the family and bring some magic and sense of wonderment back into Christmas. My parents are great but I need Santa Claus back in my life. I never ask for anything for Christmas so that I can keep a sense of wonder for ten brief minutes open gifts. Even at 27, I still hold hope for magic under the tree on Christmas. One day that million dollar briefcase, leg transplant new van or job will be there. Until then I will have that same disappointed look on Christmas and hope that it ends quickly so the month of December can give way to a new year that is better than the last. (Thanks Counting Crows) I miss you Santa Claus and will be the oldest little boy waiting up for you Christmas Eve hoping to discover that magic still exists in the world.
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