Opening up a Vein

"What is happiness. It's a moment before you need more happiness". -Don Draper 
Sorry to go all personal diary on this blog entry but most of these are seen just by me and a few others so I don't see the big deal. This quote is from last night's episode of "Mad Men" by favorite show on TV.  It fits very much with what I've been dealing with the past several years. I have so many boring days, hours and minutes that I spent my entire day seeking temporary happiness and having no idea how to sustain it. In 28 years on this planet I have failed to figure out how to sustain happiness on any kind of professional or personal level.

This has let me to the conclusion that happiness is fleeting for everyone. We really have no other choice but to accept that the vast majority of our days will be unsatisfactory ones and to maximize the happy moments that we are able to make for ourselves. It is my vast hope that through religion, a career you have passion for, the love of another or children happiness becomes somewhat sustainable over time. I have sought happiness out like a drug I am in constant need of a hit of and it continues to be a fool's errand for me. I don't even enjoy my happy moments anymore as I find believe constantly checking the clock all the time knowing hours of unhappiness are just around the corner.

For years I had a horrible gambling problem because I had a notion that money was the key to sustaining happiness. I have put together a pathetic resume in the six year since graduating school guided by the belief that any job that couldn't make me happy on a minute by minute basis would be a permanent obstacle to happiness. I have ruined many relationships in my life by believing that anything less than a sitcom level friendship or storybook romance would doom any chance at happiness.

My happiness is furthered hindered by my own bitterness about my disability. Something I've done a fairly good job of publicly concealing but been tormented by in private. I am haunted by the idea of everything my life could of or should have been and that my life will never ever be permanently in my control and not controlled by others. I have to allow myself to believe if I plan enough vacations, events and activities that all these thoughts will magically fall out of my head. Not only has that not happened they have started to interfere in every aspect of everything I do limiting by ability to obtain even temporary happiness.

The idea that I might be chasing some holy grail that may not permanently exist does little to comfort me. I want to continue the search no matter how fruitless does it may seem. I open myself look this in a somewhat public forum because I am scared shitless of feeling into old patterns and behaviors. I am a lost, lonely unemployed 28 year old disabled person and I have no idea what to do about it. The few good things I have in life I am never satisfied with and always on the verge of pushing away. This is the real me and somehow I hope in sharing that I find some answers from somewhere.